Moving Forward in a Place Filled With History

I’ve returned from an idyllic world where girls wear boots with sundresses and stroll tree-lined streets, pausing in park after park, holding hands with sweatshirt clad young men, smelling sweet southern air, always looking like a postcard for a romantic trip to the south. Savannah was gorgeous and the appropriate setting for conversation with the old friend. The one of the jealousy. It centered around love – do we want it; careers – what’s important – money, peace, fulfillment, purpose and in what combination; and a few other things.

It was good conversation. It was also a battle While I was no longer jealous of the friend, I was also no longer sure I liked her much. And I realized the only way to move forward with her was to focus forward because our memories of the past are vastly different. Such a tricky thing, memory, creating such different realities as people try to find their common ground. And in the absence of common memory, you can only hope for common love.

I wasn’t sure we had that. I realized too that although we had once best friends, perhaps the friendship had actually run it’s course. As we talked about the future and the lives we envisioned, my eyes occasionally welled up at the idea of hope. Of reintroducing hope.

I realized that this past two years or so have been a series of changes in my life – big changes – that either consciously or subconsciously have been made because there is still hope and still a dreamer buried deep deep down there and that the numbness of melancholy didn’t kill it, but rather insulated me from the pain of potential disappointment – by hiding me from me.

And by unearthing me again and getting to know that person, I’ll probably face some pain again, but I think it’s worth it. I’m ready to live in a world less numb. It’s only in that world that I can really love others. And it’s only by loving others I can really be loved.

But I digress…… I’m not sure if I pictured the old friend in this new future. In this new me that would be build from the pieces of the old one but with stronger glue. The glue in that friendship didn’t feel very strong. I guess, in essence, I don’t trust it. And I don’t know how one moves backwards to who they once were in order to save a friendship going forward. I will always have insecurities. But  I don’t want to be Insecure Girl any more than I want to be Jealous Girl.

And with this friend, to have the friendship, she is so shiny and sparkly – and stubborn and unchanging – I would have to subjugate who I am and how I feel to go forward. I’ve been doing that for so long. I think maybe it’s not worth it.

This week I have two more job interviews for a career change. A real one. I’ve had four already with the same company, which is in Denver. I’m hoping for a real fresh start.

In any case, whether I get it or not, the change in attitude is up to me. Stay tuned….